Her name is Andrea.
S: So, Sarah,what are we talking about today?.
A: My boyfriend.
S: Okay, then let it rip.
A: I'm mad at Dave ( the boyfriend ), because he is physically abusive.
I want him to want me to prosper, he doesn't want me to prosper every time I make 2 steps forward he brings me back down.
I need him to care, to love me, to stop hitting me, to pay more attention to me.
He should let me breathe a little, and just stop hating me so much.
I think he is an asshole, and he is cheating on me.
S: Okay, then, we got our work cut out for us, don't we? ...( she smiles....).
Let's start with the second one, that one will give us more insight.
How doesn't he want you to prosper?.
A: Every time I get some money, he asks for it, although he knows I need it to do my own things, to look for my own gigs, I'm an actress he is an artist too, a singer.
S: Well, when somebody ask you for something, you can say NO.
A: He always tells me that he needs it to make his dream happen, and that he also has connections for me, that when he does his music he gets in contacts with people in the movie industry, so that he will also help me find some gigs.
But then he takes the money go out there and doesn't do anything with it, he goes out there just use it on booze and smoke with his stupid friends as they are "making music" ( she air quotes ).
S: Then what happens?
A: Then he comes back and I ask him what did he do with the money, what did he concretely do with it and he does not give me a straight answer, we have an argument and then it becomes physical.
S: Let's dig in the argument for a second, tell me what it's said, what do you say to him.
A: I tell him that he is an asshole, that he doesn't love me, that he does not want me to prosper, that after all we have been through he still hasn't changed, that you don't care, about me, ( she starts to get riled up, her body starts to shake as she is saying it and it starts to change from ...I tell him,,,,to simply saying ...You ...as if she was experiencing it right now....which is true,,,she is ..)
you don't care about me, do you? , you never have, we have been together for 5 years now, and you still don't want to change you are an asshole, after all that you have put me through you just don't care, you just don't get it, you just don't want to get it, you still a little prick, that's what you are, a prick, an asshole, what did you do with the money, you took it to go see your little sluts..huh... you take my money and to go to those bitches, huh, that's why you didn't call me the entire day, that's why you didn't pick up the phone when I called huh, that's why? that's why? you were with her, weren't you, you just don't care , you just don't care about me anymore..... I feed you and then you go out and you don't call for days, and tell me you are "trying to make it" ( she air quotes ), right ...you are with her, or them, I don't know, but you are definitely not here, isn't that right...just like the last time you cheated on me, you are the same, you cheated, then you left me and I moved on, then you came back begged me to come back, I come back and you treat me the same, you just don't get it, you just don't get it,,,, I hate you .....you are an asshole, you just don't care.... ( she is gasping.....she is taking deep breaths, her body is relaxing....., she is coming back to herself...).
( I give her , a minute......just silence, let her be ....).
S: Okay, Andrea nice to have you back. Then what happens, Andrea?
A: He gets mad, and says that he can't take it another, and he tries to leave, I go after him and he hits.
S: Okay, Then, after he hits you and you are on the ground, what happens?, how do you feel? what do you want to do?
A: I cry then I just want to run away, I pack my bags, I just want to leave.
S: Then, what happens ?
A: He stops me, tell me that he is sorry.
S: And what happens? , what do you say to him? , how do you treat him? , what do you do?.
A: I ask him to care, and he gives me what I want.
S: Okay, then what happens?...
A: Then he cares for a while we are okay.
S: Until the next argument right?
A: Yes, I guess.
S: Okay , good, Andrea we just did a cycle. So, let's recap it so that you see it clearly before we dive into it. So, we have, you give the money, he takes the money, doesn't do anything according to you, comes back you talk about the past, he hits, you want to run away he consoles you , he "cares", everything is fine for a while until next episode.
Can you see that. It's like a movie, that's the plot. I can just take that piece of paper, and the second you give the money I can tell you what will happen next, that's why It's called a cycle, look at it first, take that in.
A: Okay, I see what you mean, nothing change , it's the same over and over again. But what can I do?.
S: You'll know pretty soon. We are going to dive in every segment of it and break it down. We needed to put it in a cycle first, it's like a map. Now, we can explore it.
So, first why do you give the money when you know that you need that money for yourself?
A: Well, if I don't give him the money, he will say that I don't believe in his dream.
S: Whose business is it to believe in his dream?
A: I don't think I fully understand the question.
S: well, there is only 3 businesses in Life, yours, the others and God or Life or Nature...( which would be things which are out of our control )
S: So, so whose business is it to believe in his dream?
A: I guess, His...
S: And whose business is it to believe in your dream?
A: i guess Mine....
S: Yes, people think that when we are in a relationship we suddenly become "this one entity" which has two lives, not really, you still have your life and he has his, even twins sometimes believe in different things.
A: Yes, I see what you are saying. But if I don't give him the money he will say that I don't care about him and his dream.
S: Okay, Is it true?
A: No, it is not.
S: Well, that's the answer to that. NO, it is not true. You care about him and his dream but you also care about yours.
A: But if I don't give him the money he is going to leave saying that he then has to go out and find a way to get the money.
S: Ah, okay so you are trying to buy his Presence, << if I give him the money he is not going to leave and be out there for too long>>
A: I guess. ( she says....slightly shocked as she is becomes aware ).
S: Well, stop trying to bribe him, his presence or his Love.
A: As you said that I just realized that I give him the money because I think that if I don't he will go to a next girl to get it.
S: Good, that's not really giving, is it?
A: No, it is not, it is trying to control him.
S: And the irony is if he wants to go to somebody else, he still can.
A: Yes, that's right.
S: Okay, so because of your fear of the next woman you deprive him of Love and you deprive Yourself of your own dream.
A: How do I deprive him of Love?
S: Well, the act of giving is an act of Love, but you don't give, you try to control, which is useless anyway, since he can still do what he wants.
A:...oh ..yes, you are totally right, I have never seen it like that. ( she is shaking her head...).
S: And then of course you micromanage him with the money, and probably resent him for not doing what he said he would do. Do you know the cure for that?
A: Yes, I do it myself.
S: Yes, you are in charge of your dream, nobody else. This collective belief that when you are in a relationship the other suddenly become partially responsible for your dream is insane and illogical, you had the dream before you met him, how is anybody else but you responsible for your dream. Unless you truly don't want to realize your dream and you are looking for an escape goat, a villain to blame for your failure.
S: Okay, next when he comes back home and he hasn't done what he said he was going to do, the conversation seem to go back to a previous cheating, not the money, NOW. Have you moved on from it?
A: Yes, I have but when he does what he does, my mind goes back there. Well, that means you haven't fully moved on from it. You should question that in detail first. Now, you said : I want him to want me to prosper, he doesn't want me to prosper every time I do 2 steps forward he brings me back down. Turn that around for me.
( she looks confused....).
A: huh, me, okay ..., I want to want him to prosper, I don't want him to prosper every time he takes 2 steps forward I bring him back down.
S: Can you see how you do that?
A: No, I am supportive give him all my money and every thing I can.
S: Well, when he came back from whatever, your argument was on the past can you stop bringing him back down, can you let him move on, or do you have to bring him back there all the time.
A: (....she cries...) you are right, I have never seen it like that.
S: There is another turn around left. probably the most important.
A: I want me to want me to prosper, I don't want myself to prosper every time I do 2 steps forward I bring myself back down. ( she cries ,,,even more.... as she realizes what she is been doing to herself).
S: Well, yes, people believe that by holding on the pain they are punishing the other, what they don't realize is that they are also punishing themselves. You are still back there, are you ready to move on? , to prosper? .
A: Yes, I am.
S: Good. Okay, next he hits you, then you want to run away, he consoles you, you get " what you want", " he gives you anything you want, he cares.
S: When you get " what you want". how do you feel?
A: I feel happy, he finally cares.
S: And as you are packing your bags, do you truly want to leave?
A: No, to be honest I just want him to care, to feel sorry for what he did.
S: So, you used the guilt over the past ( he cheated ), acted( run away but don't really want to), manipulated the situation to finally get what you want ... he finally cares.
A: I did that? , I can't believe I did that , Am I that mean?.
S: No. You were just Lost, every body is looking for Love, you were simply looking for it the wrong way. When you want him to feel sorry for you, it's actually looking for pity, sympathy, how you are such a victim and that he should care, you confuse that with Love.
A: Yes, I can see that Now.
S: Let the past go and you are not a victim anymore, it's gone. Then he will care or he won't, for you NOW.
S: Okay, next ... you need him to care, to love you, to stop hitting you, to pay more attention to you. How do you react when it does not happen?
A: here we go, again ......( she sighs...) I use the past as a weapon to make him care, I try to make him feel guilty to make him care.
S: Can you stop doing that? , and Love him when he cares, and Love him when he does not care.
A: Yes, I can do that.
S: Next, he should let you breathe, stop hating you so much.
A: ( she burst out laughing ) .....That's so me, I am the one doing that. I should let him breathe and stop hating him so much.
S: Good, I like when people get it themselves...( lol ).
S: Next, How do you react when you think that he is cheating on you?
A: I get paranoid, I can't trust him, I look for proofs all over the places. I truly become a bitch. After I scream at him accusing him of cheating, I want him to hold me and if he does not, I tell myself that it is because he has somebody else, I mean now I see that it sounds insane the man is just mad that's why he does not want to touch me but that's what I believed at the time . So, I want to run away to somebody who is going to comfort me, and I did and I cheated ( she is crying ..) it was all me, just me reacting to my own thoughts...I can't believe it. But from that day, I have felt so guilty, so bad, so ashamed it's too painful. I beat myself up, and then I go to him wanting him to make me feel better, but I become clingy, needy and bring the past back again and it only end up in beating again.
S: I guess, we discover another cycle. Good. So, you get paranoid, you accuse, you look for comfort, it doesn't happen, you go somewhere else, you feel bad, guilty, ashamed you try to get to him to make the guilt, the shame go away, it does not happen, and back on accusations then get hit again. Then probably try to manipulate situation to finally get him to care .
A: Wow, when you put it like that, I feel insane, I do all that? ....who is that person?
S: Well, she is the one who is lost and looking for Love in the wrong place, that's all.
S: So, tell me what you tell to yourself as you beat yourself up in that cycle.
A: I say to myself, you are a whore, you are a slut, you cheated, you are a bitch. You deserve to be punished.
S: Now, do you see why when you come back you want him to make you feel better. It has nothing to do with him, it is you reacting to your own mind and trying to prove it wrong.
A: Yes, It is ,, I see that now. ( she is sobbing....).
S: When your mind say something instead of reacting and trying to prove it wrong, answer it .... Are you a whore?
A: No, I am not.
S: That's that, that's the answer to that, no need to react, to fight yourself, to want to prove it wrong by making somebody else say that you are not or comforting you etc......do it yourself, only YOU can set you free.
S: But to go one step further how do you feel when you believe that you are a whore and you take the beating.
A: I feel like I deserve it, I give up, I feel like he is punishing me, that he already knows. I almost want him to beat me, so that the pain can go away, so that he can forgive me. ( I can't believe I just said that, she moaned under her breath ..)
S: Yes, you are already beating yourself mentally, so it is only normal that he does it physically isn't it? .... furthermore.....physical pain goes away faster doesn't it? tomorrow you might not feel it anymore, but mental pain can stay there forever. Now, you understand the mental cycle between the pimp and the prostitute they are reflecting each other mental states. There is no total victim , no total villain.
A: Yes, exactly that.
S: Yes, but what you don't get in the entire scenario is again , that only YOU can set you free, can you forgive yourself?, let the guilt go... aren't you tired of all that pain? ...all that non sense.
A: I am tired of it all.
( she is silent..., tears streaming down, body fully relaxed....)
A: I feel so alive,...it is like I'm back to myself.
S: Yes, Now, how would you be if you weren't holding on to the past, to the guilt, trying to manipulate situation to feel loved, using guilt to do so......etc....How would you be?
A: Wow, I will be ME, just ME, no more pain, relaxed happy , ME... not that crazy bitch we just saw, just ME.
S: Yes, that's all you wanted all along, instead of I need him to pay attention to me, to love me, etc... it's I need me to pay attention to me, to Love me...that's freedom. And then you will be just Present, Alive with him too...
A: Now, I don't know what to do, should I break up with him?
S: I am not here to tell you what to do, just here to help you free yourself, then you will know what to do yourself.. What do you want to do?
A: I don't want to break up with him, I love him, I just truly realized it, If I take all the insanity out, I truly love him.
S: Well, that's that, then. Relationship are not just about the body only, she is hot, I'm hot, let's do it. There is more to it. Many relationships happen because of the two partner emotional/mental states, they fit so that they can become aware of themselves, the world is there to make you aware. Now you have learned some lessons, and I hope you will continue, keep questioning. So, you will go back and be Present and observe yourself and him too, and he might start to become aware of his demons too and you might evolve together or you might realize that : Okay I have learned every thing I was supposed to learn from this relationship, it is time to move on it doesn't fit me anymore. It is a good thing that you learned it now because if you hadn't, you would have left Dave for john to Jim etc... but always the same thing until you get it.
Don't worry you will know what to do.
Just be Present and evolve.
A: Thank you.
S: Your are welcome.
Peace and Love, and thank you for your support.
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