We will call the man john .. so I 'll abbreviate john with J and mine with S.
(I asked him to simply write everything he wanted to say , don't hold back, let it out, let it rip, don't censor yourself, and he went for it ..)
J: I can't believe she cheated on me, i can't believe she did that to me, i can't believe she was that devious, that knifing, that misleading, that deceiving . She is such a bitch, she is a slut, she is a whore, she disgust me, she repulses me, she is a piece of shit, i hate her, i hate her, i hate her. I thought we had something special, i thought we had something unique, i thought we had something great, i thought we were soul mates, i thought we were made for each other, i thought we were going to be together forever, why would she destroy that?, why would she take that away from me? why would she humiliate me like this in front of everyone? all her friends are laughing at me now, they think I'm a joke now. she is so selfish, she is manipulative?, she is such a bitch. I thought she loved me, but i guess i was wrong wasn't I?. She is never going to find somebody like me again, she is never going to find something like what we had again. And now, she wants to come back, she wants to be forgiven? , is she crazy?, i want her to suffer like she made me suffer, i want her to feel pain, i want her beg for my forgiveness and maybe just maybe i will consider it...she should feel her guilt, she should feel the pain she caused me, the pain she brought on herself, she should feel the shame, good that's good, that what she deserves; she deserves to be in pain, i hope it burns, yeah good feel it , feel it you bitch...i hate you, i hate you so much, i hate you .....
( his body relaxes he stop working himself up, he doesn't shake anymore, it's all out....he sighed , i was just present the entire time in pure silence fully in my body and allowing him to let it all out)
S: Okay, you are good, is it all out ?, you are okay ?
D: yeah , it is all out, it feels good to just say it all.
S: Good, have a glass of water, now we are going to question it all okay ..ready?
D: Yes, i am.
S: Okay then, here we go.
Because she cheated she was knifing, misleading, devious Is it True?
D: Yes, because she didn't have the balls to say that she did it to me, even when i asked her, i had to hear from somebody else and then because she couldn't lie anymore she finally confessed when from the beginning i said that the one thing i cared about the most was simply honesty, just man up or woman up in her case and fucking say it.
S: Okay , because you heard it from somebody else she was deceiving , devious .. is it true?, can you absolutely know that?
D: I mean , no absolutely , maybe she was just scared to tell me.
S: Okay, then the answer to that question is NO, then take that in for a second. Because she cheating and you heard it from somebody else she wasn't necessarily being deceiving.
( he is taken back for a sec, as if looking for a different possibility...then you see the ego coming back...)
D:Yes, i get that but she lied
S: Yes, she did, all I'm saying is that she didn't necessary lie to you because she wanted to deceive you, that's all i'm saying.
(his shoulders relaxes...)
D: okay , I can accept that .
S: Okay , then how do you react( what do you see) when you believe she lied because she wanted to deceive you.
D: I see darkness, I see her as this evil being plotting against me, i want to destroy her.
S: What would you see if you did not believe that?
(he smiles and reluctantly say i get it, i see where this is going...)
D: I would see her as somebody who just lied, nothing more, nothing less , not this evil being trying to get me. I mean children lie to their parents, friends lie to their friends, we lie to our girlfriends, wives etc,,,it is not always in a truly mean way.
S: Okay good. next one . She is a bitch, she is slut, she is a whore Is it true?
D: Nah ....(reluctantly .lol.) She is not a slut, she is not a whore, i mean she can a a bitch sometimes( he laughs...), but she is definitely not a slut or a whore.
(Fuck , you are softening me, what's happening here, he said under his breath while laughing at himself)
( I responded , I am not doing anything, i simply ask you very basic questions and if you are fully honest with yourself YOU answer them...)
S: Okay, next she disgusts you, she repulses you, she is a piece of shit... Is It true ?
D: No, It is not, she is not a piece of shit, I mean i don't feel deeply attracted to her right now, but she doesn't disgust me.
S: Okay, Next You hate her.. Is it True?
D: No, hate is too strong, i definitely do not love her right now, but i don't hate her, i dislike her i guess.
S: Okay, good, You don't hate her, take that in for a second.
S: How do you react when you believe you do?
D: I'm filled with so much hate, it hurts, i feel like my heart is going to explode, it is literally physically painful.
S: What do you see when you realize that you do not hate her.
D: I see nothing, but my heart is not filled with hate, it's not filled with Love either but at least it's not filled with hate. It's like I can breathe a bit, i'm not suffocating anymore i'm not in hell anymore.
( He takes a deep breath...)
S:Okay, good. So, You had something special, you had something Unique, you were made for each other, you were soulmates....Is it true?
D: I guess not, since she cheated ( He says sarcastically)
S: Let's say she didn't....Would It be true?
D: I don't know ..
S: So, it is not True. It is definitely not true. Since it is not true it is false, or at best it is a maybe.
Take that in for a second.
( he has a pensive look)
D: I See....
S: How do you react( or how do you feel, what do you see) when you believe that your love was special?
D: I feel like something irreplaceable has been taken away from me. Like I lost an extremely valuable piece of me that can not be found again. I see dark, gloom, no light at the end of the tunnel.
S:How would you feel if it was not that special anymore?
D: At ease, it is not that rare anymore, it can be found again. Wow.....that's amazing ( his eyes are lighting up ..he is getting it..).
S: You see, most people believe that their love is so special and they don't actually see how that very concept or specialness is hurting them. I know that most people want to believe that "they are special", but ultimately you are not, it sounds harsh to say it, but it is freeing if you fully get it. Think about it, my parents, my children, my girlfriend or wife are not special to you and neither are your love ones to me. So, except from the eye of a specific observer, the concept of "specialness" do not exist. When I realized that I was not special, i was happy ,it is a big ego blow but God does it free you. Because now, you can experience LOVE with anybody since it is not that specific anymore, not that special anymore and at the same time you are less clingy, because when it is "special" you have to hold on to it, because it is so rare it might never come again, but if it is not that rare anymore, it's ordinary it can come and go all the time, Beautiful.....Love Itself Is special, not the different human forms at each end of it ...jack and sarah , john and kate , alex and ana...does not matter it's not you who is special or amazing and beautiful.. it's Love, so can always find somebody else, it is not exclusive anymore, it includes all forms... that's freeing.
D: Yes, I get it, i see ... So. I guess there is no soul mates?.
S: There is just people connecting and fitting in right, clicking, and that happens all the time. Then you will click with some people more than with others, and that's fine.
And to go one step further, how would you treat your girlfriend or wife, your parents, children ..if you didn't believe that they were so special?
D: I don't really understand, what you mean ?
S: When they make mistakes how would you treat them?
D: um..., I see , yeah, I would let them be, I won't be as mad.
S: Exactly, you will give them space to be, won't put them on a pedestal, they are just ordinary humans like everybody else, don't put all those expectations on them. I love being ordinary, i don't want people to project their expectations on me, if i screw up, i screw up, that's that, I learn and move on. With too many expectations you set yourself up for disappointment sooner or later...let people breathe and let Yourself breathe because if you don't put too many expectations on them you don't put them on Yourself either you can now just be You, be an ordinary human doing the best he can.
D: Yes, that's truly freeing i see my family, my friends, all my relationships in a different Light now.
S: Yes, and more importantly how do you see yourself?
D: I can relax now, I can just be myself, less pressure.
S: Okay good, next Why would she destroy that? why would she take that away from me?
Do we even have to question that, we just answered it, didn't we?
D: Yes, we did, it has been destroyed but because it wasn't that special, it's okay, i don't need to hold on, it does not hurt as much.
S: Okay, let's go a step further, she wanted to destroy your Love? she wanted to take it away? Is it true?
D: No, I mean i don't know but I don't think so.
S: What do you see when you believe she wanted to destroy your Love.
D: I see her as malicious, evil
S: What do you see when you do not believe that anymore.
D: I see her as her, just her ...wow, i can see her , it's the first time that I actually SEE her for her, as her since it happened.
S: Okay, good. Next, she humiliated you in front of everyone, her friends are laughing at you now, they all think you are a joke.. Is it true?
( he puffs up his chest, ego is kicking in .. i mean ego got to defend itself , doesn't he/it?..lol.)
D: I mean, yes she humiliated me.
S: She humiliated in front of everyone? IS is true?
D: I mean no, it wasn't in front of everyone nobody was there when she told me , it was just us. But everybody knew.
S: Okay, one step at the time so the answer to the first one is NO, she did not humiliate you in front of everyone.
D: I guess so, yes ...I mean NO ,, she did not.
S: Okay, take that in, for a second. What do you see when you believe that?
D: I see, all her friends laughing at me.
S: What do you see when you do not believe that?
D: I can't see anything, I mean I see her friends but they are not laughing at me, they know but there is nothing they can do about it.
S: Exactly, if you did the same and your boys( your friends) knew about it, would they say anything?
D: Probably not, yeah I see that now... ( he lowers his chest ...ego is subsiding....)
S: Okay, let's go one step further, let's say her friends are laughing at you (he gets a bit riled up..) what does it mean?
D: It means that she does not respect me ( he said with an angry tone ...)
S: Is it true? If her friends are laughing at you , it means SHE does not respect you? It that true?
(He looks confused , pensive...)
D: I guess not ( he says hesitantly ).
S: let me rephrase that, or share some light on it, does she control her friends? do you control your boys?
D: Hum, I get it, No, she does not, just like i do not control my boys so even if her friends were laughing it does not mean that SHE does not respect me.
S: Good, we just covered both options, good. So what do you see when you believe that her friend are laughing at you?
D: I think that she thinks that I am a joke, that I am not a Man, I am nothing , I am less than , it enrages me, i almost want to physically hurt her and her friends.
S: Okay, but now you do realize that it has nothing to do with her, right it's you assuming that she does not respect you and reacting to that, so to your own thinking and projecting all that onto her.
D: Yes, I see it now.
S: Now, answer a question for me, are you a joke?
( he seems baffled)
D: No, I am not.
S: That the answer to that, simple, easy, no need to react to it. You simply answer, things are true or they are not. People are suffering because they feel the need to fight truths and defend it or themselves. The truth IS , it does not need you to defend it, it stands on its own. If you tell me, Stephane you are fat ? I'll look at myself and if it's true i will say yes i am. If you say Stephane you are too skiny? I'll look at myself and if it is true i will say yes i am. There is no need to defend anything, to fight you, The truth simply IS no matter how much I will fight you i will still be overweight or underweight, it simply IS or it IS NOT.
Ego feels the need to defend itself all the time because acceptance would mean his annihilation, accept the truth every moment of your Life, the Truth is the Light, let it shine, let your ego die.
S: So, worst case scenario, they are laughing at you and your mind says << see, you are a joke>> , no need to fight THEM , answer your mind, yes i am or no i am not. Freedom is that simple, it really is.
S: Okay, next, She is so selfish, she manipulative? Is it true?
D:No, she did not manipulate anybody, i only saw that because I was set on her using her friends to deceive me and laugh at me. And I guess, when you cheat is kinda about you, I can't expect somebody to cheat and think of me and also, it's because of the special thing too as saying why would she destroy that, but with that out of the equation it does not apply anymore.
S: Good, and to go one step further can you see how you were selfish?
D: What do you mean?
( he asked astounded, as if saying i want to hear that one , that better be good...lol)
S: I mean, from that statement you were not mad because she cheated but because she took " your special love away from you"
D: Wow, i could not have seen that one, it totally blindsided me ( he said while blinking his eyes in sign of amazement and realization.)
S: Yes, Love is Free, It is not clingy, not needy, it naturally flows, it simply is, the more you recognize it, the more you experience it in your everyday life and Enjoy it without holding on to it because of the fear of losing it and never finding it again.
S: Okay next, you said, I thought she loved me but i guess i was wrong, wasn't I ?
So, because she cheated it means she did not love you better yet she does not love you . Is it true?
D: No, It is not ( he says with an air of defeat...lol) I remember being a teenager and scoring many chicks but only loved one, i was just being a stupid teenager and felt that i could not not bang as many chicks as i could i had to score, but i only loved my girlfriend. So, not true. God, it hurts me to admit that.
S: Actually it hurts not to, It frees you when you do...the seemingly pain is simply a release....Pain/Lies hurts....Freedom/Truth set you free.....
Okay, so what do you see when you believe that?
D: I see, red, i hate her for not loving me, then i beat myself up wondering what went wrong, but then i react to that thinking no not my fault her fault and i get back to hating her.
S: Nice, good cycle, see so much pain....what do see when you do not believe that she does not love you or she did not love you.
D: I'm OKAY, the pain of the cheating is there, even that is subsiding, I'm actually OKAY. ( he says smiling, proud of himself and in amazement that it is actually possible)
S: Of course, you are.
S: Okay, next, She is never going to find somebody like you, something like what you two had....Is it true?
( He lift his head high, puffs his chest, straighten his posture, {when before he was in relaxed body posture} and proudly says)
D: YES, that is True.
S: ( i smile and say ) Okay , then so you will never find somebody like her either, you will never have something like you two had either.
D: Why? what you mean ( he asks, confused ...)
S: Well, your special love is between You and HER , it can only exist there, so If she can't find " that Love" because you are not here anymore, so can't you, because she is not here anymore.
D: Oh shit, you got me again. ( He bursts out laughing)
S: So, the only way to free Yourself is to free Her as well. So, is it true she will never find something like that again?
D: No, it is not, because I believe i will, I believe i can therefore she can too.
S: Isn't that beautiful, i usually say that i am not even trying to be "good" , i am simply a smart guy, i realized that in many instances i can only be free and happy if you are free and happy, so i am not even trying to be" spiritual" , i am simply looking out for myself, the rest just happens by itself. Be aware to not play the hidden agenda game, << i am going to act like i want her to be free and move on but not fully, i am going to move on and she should stay there still on me>>. Well, because, you just have to turn that around again. << I am going to move on but not fully since i still have some "special love" with her>>.
You can not outsmart LIFE...it's beautiful
D: You are right, i was already doing that mentally not wanting to fully let go , it's funny.
S: I know, been there, done that (lol). Okay, next << she wants to come back is she crazy?..
so she is crazy to want to come back is it true?
D: No, she is not.
S: Okay, next, I want her to suffer like she made me suffer, i want her to feel pain, i want her to beg for my forgiveness. so, first one you want her to suffer.
D: Yes, I want her to at least feel the pain she put me through.
S: Okay, the entire time she is suffering, feeling the pain and begging for your forgiveness.
How are you feeling?
D: I don't know..., i am okay i guess.
S: Are you sure? , don't you see that as she is feeling the pain you are holding on to it too.
Since, it is: i need you to beg, to squirm, to kiss my ass, do what i say and when i finally feel like you have done enough of it, i will forgive you, meaning i will let go of my pain or the pain that you caused me as you would be telling yourself. See, the entire she is suffering, you are too, you have to keep that pain in and you truly believe that it's about her, if she just does more, try harder it will go away. When only you have the power to let it go. There again, we have another catch 22. As you let go of your pain you have to want her to let go of hers too. if she does or does not is up to her of course, but you can not still << want her to suffer>>, because that means you have to hold on to your end of the suffering before you can finally let it go meaning <<forgive her>>.
( he is shocked....silent for a while , for about 30 seconds..)
D: Okay, that make sense, so you just want me to forgive and get back together with her like nothing happened, i can't do that, who am i a pussy?
S: Okay, let's question that ...people who forgive are pussies ? Is it true?
(he shakes his head from side to side, with an air of disappointment and murmur)
D: NO, people who forgive are not pussies. But i can't just get back together with her, i just can't.
S: If you forgive you have to get back together with her .. Is it true?
(He ponders...)
D: I guess, No.
S: Exactly, nobody talked about getting back together, most people mind like the opposites i hate you or i love you.. well, let me show you the neutrality. You don't hate the stranger in the street but you are not best friends either, and that's fine. I'm not trying to tell you what to do, nobody said that you have to get together with her i simply said let go of pain, in other word forgive.
D: Okay, I can see that now.
(He has tears in his eyes, he is silent, he is letting go of pain, i am allowing him to feel what he is feeling , we spend about 3 minutes in pure silence..then he tells me that he is ready again.)
S: Okay, next, she deserves to feel pain, for what she brought on herself, the guilt, the shame. Is it true?
D: Yes ( he said hesitantly, almost as saying please let me keep this one , lol...)
S: How do you feel as she is feeling the guilt, the shame.
D: I see, i am holding on to it too, to punish her. But i can't let that go, i mean i already forgave her, you also want me to let the guilt and shame go, i mean that's too much. I would feel like there is no consequences to her actions, like she would just be off the hook, she needs to be punished at least. Or it's like she is not going to get it, and she going to do it again. I mean we can't just let it all go, no repercussion, like nothing happened and we are all good, we are back together and everything is fine, back to normal, we just can't have that.
S: Okay , let's question all that.
D: Do you ever stop (he said, with an air of << i can't believe it>> and i answered).
S: Yes I do, i stop when I am pain free or in this case when you will be pain free. But it is your Life, i want what you want, if you want to keep your pain i want you to keep your pain, if you want to be free, i want you to be free ; you are the boss, you are responsible for your Life, your mental state, your happiness, nobody else. It's just that me personally I'd rather be free than suffer. So, Boss, what is it going to be? .
D: Okay you are right, people like to say that they want to be happy but they do not do anything about it, so, okay let's finish it off.
S: Great choice, but again what do i know ....( lol )...
S: Okay, so, the first lines can be summarize as such, when people are not punished they don't get it ...Is it true?
D: God....( he says, while sighing at the same time, with his hands on his head) ....NO, it is not true, it sounded so true when I said it, when you repeat it like that it just sounds weird. I mean, i remember being a teenager doing stupid stuff and right after, i knew what i did, i didn't need my mother to tell me how wrong i was and being on my case., and i would even ask why the punishment? i already got it, such a waste of time, i mean i could already be outside making a new mistake (he laughs at himself ), but no seriously that's the learning process isn't it.., gotta to make mistake. So, I guess NO.
S: Good, next, if you don't punish them they are going to do eat again. Is it true?
D: NO, It is not true ....God, you piss me off you know that...( we both laugh )
S: And again you did not forgive her, you simply let go of your pain and the collateral is forgiveness, so don't let your ego lie to you and act like you did it for her, you did not, you did it for yourself. The same goes for the guilt now. And of course the shame goes side by side with the guilt as she is ashamed and beat herself up with guilt you have to keep the hate, the anger in you. To be more specific you have to keep picturing her having with somebody else over and over again , that's the only way to keep the shame on her. And that's not pleasant for you or is it?..
D: Okay, i get that, as you said that I had a mental picture of them, it is really not pleasant, but there is still something bothering me, i don't know we can't just get back together like nothing happened.
S: Again, who said anything about getting back together, just release shame and guilt and then you will see.
D: Okay, I get it.
S: Okay, last one you hate her, you hate he , you hate her so much Is it true?
( he pauses for about 20 seconds and says..).
D: Okay, I give up....I love her.
S: WELCOME HOME....my man .... WELCOME HOME
D: Thank you...
S: It was a good journey wasn't it , lol.
D: What do i do now?
S: Again , i love her, does not mean you get back together. What we have done here, is just take all the pain away, so that you can make a clear decision, and decision coming from a clear mind, not a mind clouded by too much pain. And then there is only two possibilities stay or go. Choose fully. What i mean is no games, no hidden agenda etc.... If stays, fully stay, no stay but not fully here and act like i am going to leave so that you chase me or beg me to stay, so that i can see how much you "care" and how sorry you are, no, none of that.
Stay and see what the problems in your relationship are and try to fix it, and have open honest communication do not censor yourself or each other to be politically correct, be honest with each other, and say what you mean and mean what you say, no hidden agenda games, people are not mind readers, no << what's wrong?>> nothing .. , i need her/him to figure it out by himself or herself ,,,no, none of that nonsense, say what you mean , mean what you say. And it does not mean that you might not break up later on, but at the moment you went fully into the relationship you were free of negativity and truly tried to fix it, then what happens, happens, but you could truly say i did my best and i was of pure intention if it doesn't work out.
On the other hand, if you decide that it's over, that you can not be in the relationship anymore for whatever reasons, your paths are now too different or whatever it is, make that choice fully too. No mind game either, no i am leaving but "I secretly" want you to chase me, or fight for me, or bring me back, none of that... If you have decided to leave ,,,leave fully...Again it does not mean that later down the road you can not get back together it might happen, but when you decided to leave you did not know that, you did not plan that, wasn't part of " your big plan" , you truly wanted to move on, to leave then whatever happens, happens...Life always take care of itself anyway. So , you made the choice fully. Freedom is getting back to wholeness. Start with your decisions, fully Yes or fully No, do not be divided, be complete, be whole, be free, BE FULLY HERE, NOW.
D: i guess, I have a choice to make, don't I ?
S: That is what it means to be FREE ; having a CHOICE.
Peace and Love, and thank you for your support.
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