Her name is Allison.
S: So, Allison, what are we talking about today?.
A: My baby, my little girl.
S: Okay, Let's hear it.
A: I am exhausted, depressed because Jenny won't stop crying.
I just want her to stop, I just want her to let me sleep.
I need her to stop crying for a second.
She should know that it's not easy for me she is my first.
I think it's unfair.
S: Okay, Allison, you are exhausted, depressed because Jenny won't stop crying. Is it true?
A: Yes, it is.
S: Can you absolutely know that?..
A: Oh, yeah. ( she responds with complete assurance...).
S: How do you react when you believe that?, where does your mind bring you?, what do you see ? ....
A: I get really cranky, I get low, depressed, my mind show me all the thing I have to do that I can barely manage to do, all the hours of sleep I'm going to miss.
S: Then what? , when you see all those thing that you have to do, and that you feel you won't be able to do...how do you react ?
A: what you mean?
S: I mean your mind probably quickly look for a solution to that remedy, what is it?
A: huh, right, I want to call Jim ( my husband ), to help me, but he is always busy at work of course ( she says it as if she didn't believe, rolling her eyes...), so I yell at him which turns out to to be unproductive, so then I try to find a way to do it myself and as I don't find one, I feel trapped.
S: And as you feel trapped, how you react to that? , how do you try to not be trapped anymore?
A: I try to find a solution for my time management, such as putting the baby in her crib while I am trying to do my daily chores, but then she starts crying, I try to ignore her for a while but as she keeps crying I start to feel guilty so I go get her, but now I can't do anything anymore.. I 'm right back where I started.
S: Now, Allison, after saying what you just said, you are exhausted, depressed because Jenny won't stop crying . Is it true?
A: I don't know anymore.
S: Well, by just looking at the cycle, I got exhausted, that's exhausting , not Jenny crying, Jenny crying just IS ...but that entire reaction is what is exhausting. Lets recap it so , you can see it clearly, before we dive into it.
Baby cry, see all things I have to do, (mentally decide not enough time) , then see all the hours of sleep I will have to lose to try to finish my mental list, then look for solution how can still do mental list and not lose sleep, call Husband when already expect him to be busy...yell at him......feel trapped because still no solution to mental list.....then new solution.....put baby down......baby cry again .....guilt (beat myself up I'm not a good mother)...so pick up baby.....back to beginning.
S: Can you see that, Allison , THAT is exhausting...and depressing....
A: Yes, I can see that , now, when put like this, it really sound exhausting, even crazy.
S: It was always like this, I didn't put it in a special way , I just put it on paper so that you can fully see it. In your mind it happens on automatic, on paper you can see it, make it still for a second. Now, how would you be if the baby was crying and you didn't do all THAT?
A: Wow, as weird as it sounds, I actually feel elated, like an heavy weight as been taken off my shoulder. But I still have the list though.
S: Okay, first of all do you finish your list every day?
A: No ...( she said disappointed in herself )
S: And are you Okay ?... as something gone terribly wrong because you haven't finished the list?
A: No, not yet.
S: So, you are fine the way you are NOW, but decide that you can not be because you need to finish your list of chores. Is that right?
A: When you say it like that? , it sound like I'm insane.
S: No, you were just Identified with your mental story of how all need to be done NOW, that you forgot to see what IS , and that you are fine , NOW. Moreover, you do one chore at the time it is the mental accumulation which is overwhelming. Doing one chore is easy , doing 10 is a bit more challenging. So, instead of trying to do 10 all at once( mentally speaking), can you do one at the time? .
A: Yes, it makes sense, when I sometimes wake up in the morning and just think about what I have to do, I feel tired right away before I have even done one thing.
S: Yes, that's because you think of 10, 20 things ...bring it back to ONE, that's easy.
S: Okay, so next , you need her to stop crying for a second. Is it true?
A: Yes.
S: How do you react when you believe that?
A: I got insane, I actually think I'm losing my hair.
S: How would you be if you didn't believe that?
A: you mean, If I didn't want her to stop?.
S: first, you said << need>> , but yes, How would you be?
A : I don't know, I guess less insane. But I don't get it. How can I not want or need that.
S: Can you just allow her to cry? , you check the diaper, you know she has been fed, and so on and then you just allow her to cry, why do you feel that compulsive need to make her stop. The same thing goes with mother who have young boys, they feel that compulsive need to tell the boys to stop running, can you just allow them to run ? , they are going to do it anyway, that's what we do as boys.
A: I see, I get what you are saying. But it feels weird, I would feel guilty.
S: Okay, because you allow your baby to cry after you have checked diaper, fed the baby etc.... you are a bad mother ? Is it true?
A: NO,....can Life be that easy?.
S: Yes, Freedom is that easy.
A: So, yes I can allow her to cry.
S: That's that, and later on if you have boys, allow them to run , no need to scream <<boys, stop running >> ( lol ) . That's what would make you crazy.
Okay, next, She should know that it is not easy for you, she is your first ? ...turn that around for me.
A: What you mean...
S: Talk about Yourself.
A: I should know that it is not easy for me, she is my first.
S: Yes, cut Yourself some slack .......just Be ..stop trying so hard , or trying to live up to some mental expectations you have of Yourself or you believe the world has....,Just be YOU.
A: I can do that ...
S: Of course , you can it is so easy. Once you stop " trying" , YOU ARE.
S: Next, It not fair. What is not fair?.
A: That I get cooked up here, and Jim is out there, leaving his life, enjoying it and I'm here all depressed.
S: Okay, It is not fair Is it true?
A: No, it is not.
S: So, what would be fair according to you? Him being Home with you?
A: No,....( she said laughing ).....who is going to pay the mortgage?
S: Okay, so it is not fair .. Is it true?
A: Okay, you got me , NO ,,,it's not.
S: I wasn't trying to get you, just free you from untrue beliefs. How do you react when you believe that it is not fair?.
A: I get mad at him, when he comes Home, I get bitchy.
S: Then what happens?
A: He avoids me, and I resent him for avoiding me, because now I feel lonely...it's all because of him anyway, he did this to me .
S: He did this to you ...Is it true?
A: I know, I know, it is not, I wanted the baby.
S: So, the guy is at work he gets called to be yelled at, he comes home, he gets yelled at again, he tries to avoid conflict, he gets resentment ( cold shoulder ..)...poor guy...
( she laughs...)
A: Yes, yes , you are right , I have never seen it through his eyes before.
S: You couldn't, you were lost in your own mental story. So, How would you be if you didn't believe that it wasn't fair and resented your husband .etc......
A: I would actually love him, and enjoy him more, anyway I am all alone during the day and he is finally here, why pushing him away? ....
S: Yes, you would love him, love you for not being mean to him anymore, and Love your baby, because you wouldn't go to her in a bad mood.
A: Yes, you are right, totally right. I can't believe I didn't see that before, It seems so obvious NOW.
S: Well, your mind does not believe insanity anymore, that's why.
A: Thank you.
S: You are welcome.
Peace and Love and Thank you for the support.
No comments:
Post a Comment