His name is Ryan ,and I'm Stephane as always.
S: Okay, bob my man, what's up?.
R: I am sad, angry, frustrated because i am an outsider.
I want them to see me, to notice me, to appreciate me, to like me.
I need them to get to know me, i need them to connect with me, i need them to trust me.
They should talk to me more often, they should hang out with me more often.
I think it is such a shame that they do not connect with me, they don't know what they are missing, i got so much to offer to the world.
(he has tears in his eyes, wipe them off and sighs)
S: Okay, Ryan ready?..let's do this. You are sad, angry, frustrated because you are an outsider . Is it true?
R: Yes
S: Can you absolutely know that, Ryan?
(he is slightly taken back by the question, he looks unsure...and says)
R: Yes (almost doubting himself).
S: It's okay, Ryan i'm not trying to get a specific answer out of you, there is no right or wrong answer, just what you believe, so YES is just fine.
So, How do you react (what do you do) when you believe that?
R: I try to get with in << in crowd>>
S: and as it's not working, what happen next ?
R: i get frustrated, angry.
S: And then what happens?
R: I feel low, small, exhausted.
S: Then what?
R: I don't know.
S: What do you say to yourself?
R: um, i see ( he says while smiling and raising his eyebrows ) i beat myself up.
S: What exactly do you say to yourself?
R: That i'm not good enough, that i will always be alone, that i will always be unnoticed, that my life doesn't matter,(as he is saying that, tears stream down his eyes, yet at the very same time he has a subtle smile as if fully becoming aware of what he has been thinking this entire time), that i don't exist, that i'm invisible, that if i was to die tomorrow nobody will even know, that nobody will even care.
S: I see that you are smiling, that's good, you have had a glimpse that it is not that real, didn't you?
R: Yes, i did, it was as if i was looking down on myself saying those things, just feeling, or knowing that it wasn't true , especially when i said << my life doesn't matter>> , it just didn't feel true at all, for the invisible thing i don't know ( he says smiling ), but my life doesn't matter or i don't exist , it is so not true.
( he is slightly upbeat, smiling a bit more..)
S: Okay, Ryan good job, so , after you beat yourself up , what do you do next?
R: I don't know.
S: well , you have to prove all those things your mind said, wrong , so what do you do?
R: ah , i see...i try again, even harder this time, try again to get with the << in crowd>> again.
S: So, Ryan what we have just done, is a cycle, now think about it, << you are sad, frustrated, angry because you an outsider ? >> Is it true?
( he smiles..)
R: Seriously, I don't know anymore.
S: What frustrating is that cycle: trying ,then nothing, get angry because nothing happened then beating yourself up (which make you sad), then back to trying again... , That is frustrating, i even feel exhausted form just saying that. ( we both laugh ).
S: How would you react if you didn't do all that anymore, picture your life not believing all that, what do you see?
( He relaxes, let his shoulders fall, he falls back on himself, his face lights up, and he has the biggest smile ).
R: Wow, so free, it's like a weight has been taken off my shoulders, i can fly ( he laughs at himself ) did I just say, i can fly? who am I, a girl?
S: Yes, you did say it, and no, you are not a girl.
R: But, i feel like i have failed.
S: Yes, you have, ( he raises his eyebrows, he is shocked that i just said that lol ), you have failed trying to be somebody you are not and succeeded being Yourself, Congratulations.( he smiles).
R: I have never seen it like that before.
S: I know, that's why you suffered before. And in fact, to go one step further, ultimately there is no "in" and " out" crowd. For instance do you actually like sports?
R: No, I don't.
S: See, so, they are doing you a favor by not inviting you no need to try to love sports because they do, you will simply be bored pretty soon and miserable anyway, you will experience some level of fake, superficial happiness but you won't actually be fulfilled.You can only do that by doing what "YOU" love, not what "they" love. Which Life are you living "yours" or "theirs". And as you are on "out" of their circle , they are on the "out" of your circle. Ultimately there is no "in" and "out" , just different paths, the concept only arise when you believe that your path is not as good and you should be on a different path. Otherwise, you have yours and they have theirs, no "in" , no "out".
S: Okay, Ryan, next one, You want them to see you, to notice you, to appreciate you? Is it true? ( he ponders....)
R: I guess No. i don't .
S: turn that around for me , Ryan.
R: I want to see them , to notice them , to appreciate them.
S: Yes, instead of seeing them as those mean, indifferent people who do not like you, you see them as people who want to talk about things they like, hang around people who like the same things just like you, they are not mean nor cold-hearted people.
R: Yes, i can see that, Now.
S: But there is one more turn around, actually the most important one.
R: I don't see it. ( he said with a blank stare in his eyes, as if saying i really don't know)
S: Well, the one on Yourself.
R: um, ( he uttered under his breath ) i get it, I want me to appreciate me, I want me to notice me, I want me to see me.
S: Yes, and that's probably the most important one. Do you know the Beauty of being "a so-called outsider"? .., is that you have nobody to follow , except YOU. When you are in what you call the "in crowd" you have "the pack mentality", 2, 3 people are going somewhere we all have to go, even if 1 or 2 don't especially want to , they will usually go anyway. Well, by being "out", you can ask Yourself , what do I want to do?, what do I love to talk about? , what do I love doing? , what is it that makes me happy? , and as you answer those questions you are becoming more and more Yourself , you have the chance to know Yourself faster than the others and don't worry by doing what You love doing, along the way you will find people who love doing the same thing , you won't be alone, but You have to start, you don't wait on others, You start.
( he has tears of Joy..., he is quiet , enjoying the moment).
R: I feel like for the first time in a while i am alive, i am living, i am excited about tomorrow, and the next day and the next day.
S: Of course, to use your own words, before " you didn't exist", you existed in somebody else' shoes, in somebody Else's Life which you can not do anyway. So nobody was here,now in You and nobody was there in them, You were just Lost, no wonder you felt Lonely , you were not here? ...Welcome back...We ( You and I ) missed you, and please don't leave us again, okay?
( He smiles, he is still, calm, there is a sense of AWE in his eyes, similar to what you will see in a baby's eyes, as if he is rediscovering the world for the first time again ...)
(we spend 2 minutes in pure silence, then he suddenly start to get riled up..and start writing ..i right away know that it has to be some kind of thoughts/emotions that he has repressed all this time and now that we have opened the door, it's going to flow out in order to free him of course, so i simply stay silent, present, and just allow him to experience what he has to experience, to release it all).
R: I'm pathetic, alone, afraid to talk to girls, and can't get any pussy no matter how much i try i won't get anything because i'm not cool, but it's not true i got game, i can get any women i want, i simply choose not to, they are all fake anyway,i don't have the time for them, i'm so busy, i got so much to do, so much to take care of before i think of them, anyway every time i talk to them i can't click with them, nobody understand me, they are all not attracted to me, they all reject me, they all look away, and laugh at me, humiliate me, and take me for a joke, they don't respect me, so i don't respect them either, i don't want them, they don't know they are missing a catch, i'm handsome, i'm intelligent, rich and i will be known all over the world. I mean it would be stupid not to be with me, but that's what they are they are all stupid. But once, I'm powerful and known everywhere they will come to me, but i will only use them and disregard them them like the bitches they are like they did to me, being totally indifferent, dismiss me, laughing at me...
I can't take it , i can't take it, I can't take it, I can't take it anymore, i just can't take it anymore......why don't you care?, why don't you love me? , why can't you become more friendly? , why do you have to be so cold? , why do you have to be so indifferent?, why do you have to be so fake? , why do you have to be so dead inside? , why can't you be real? , why can't you be loving? , why can't you be more caring? , why can't you be more compassionate?, why can't you be more understanding?. You simply don't allow me to live in this world, I can't express myself, there is just constant pain, constant suffering, constant isolation, constant separation ,people don't talk to each other, they don't truly talk, every body is just so lonely, so isolated...where is the love? , where is the love? where is the love? ,(his body feels heavy he can barely hold on to the pen, can barely write, he is taking deep breaths, he has slowed himself way down he is about to let go) where .....is ....the love?, i ....can't ....breathe, ( he is gasping for air )... can't...breathe, i can't brea....the,,, i'm exhausted , i'm ...so.....exhausted, i give up , it's Over... ( he stops, his body is slightly shaking, he is breathing deeply, decompressing, and smiling at the same time, happy to have release all those pent up thoughts/emotions , i give him a minute ).
S: It's all out , good for you, you are free,how you feeling.
R: Exhausted, I don't even fully know everything i wrote, my mind was going 100 miles an hour, i didn't even know i had all this in me.
S: Yes, most people don't, and because they don't observe their minds, don't truly say what they mean, so much stuff get " pushed under the rug", and then one day, "out of nowhere" as others would see it , they snap , that's how we get shooting at school and things of that kind. Now, you know what to do, keep your mind in check, question it as you go along. And on that note, read what you said after and question it, i know you don't believe it anymore that's why it's out of you but be aware of it, look at i. See, how for instance from feeling small you react and say that you " hate them" or you don't want them when you truly want to, extract some substance from it all, and evolve.
R: Yes, I will.
S: It's nice to have met "YOU" (lol)...
R: You too, and thank you.
S: Don't mention it , can you do something for me?
R: Yes, what?.
S: Keep questioning, when tomorrow something new happens again as it probably will, because that's Life, shit happens, question it, all right.. , and introduce it to your friends, tell them it is as cool as talking about girls, even better. ( he smiles...)
R: I definitely will, that i will.
S: Thanks.
Peace and love and thank you for your support.
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