She is Katy and I'm Stephane.( 17 year old).
S: So, katy, what's up?
K: I can't take it anymore, i 'm depressed, sad, lonely because i am popular, nobody actually knows me.
I want people to really know me, to truly see me.
I need them to try to know me, to love me.
They should know that i am more than just a popular girl, they should not be so quick to judge.
I think it is sad, inconsiderate, judgemental that they put me in a little box.
S: Okay, katy , let's do it, you are sad, depressed, lonely because you are popular. Is that true?
K: Yes.
S: Can you absolutely know that is true?
K: No ( she says, while reluctantly shaking her head from side to side).
S: How do you react when you believe that?, how do you act, how do you interact with your friends, what do you do?
K: I feel sad, low, depressed but put on a smile and go out there and act like everything is okay.
S: What else do you do, katy? how do you treat your friends?
K: I reject them, i push them away as if they were the reason why i was depressed, i sometimes get angry at them for no obvious reason.
S: Then, what do you do? after you get angry at them, how do you act? , what happen in your mind?
K: I beat myself up, I feel guilty because i know that it's not really them. I feel like i'm a bad person, that I'm such a bitch, i hate myself.
S: Then what do you do?, what happen next?.
K: When I see them the next day, i play it off like it was nothing because i don't want them to see me weak, brush it off, but them some stuff, and we are fine again. And everything seem fine for a while but pretty soon the sadness comes again.
( she keeps her head down in sign of disappointment of herself, and seem exhausted, as if saying don't know what to do anymore ).
S: Okay, that is very good, katy, we just establish a cycle, now you know the movie you know the entire reaction, you know how it is going to play out. Sadness, depression, smile, push away friends, anger, guilt, beat yourself up, act like nothing happened, give them gift ..back to okay until the whole cycle happens again.
S: From just that you can have a clearer picture already when the sadness/depression starts you know where things are going.
S: Now, we are going to go in depth into that cycle, we are going to dive into it, and explore it a bit more, but before i do that, i will rewrite your cycle so that i can show you a different way of seeing it.
S: sadness, depression, fake smile( resistance), push away reject, anger at them as well as yourself, guilt, beat yourself up, look away(avoid)(shame at yourself), buy their love(appease guilt, and justify actions to oneself, it's okay since they took "the peace offering").
S: Can you see it more clearly, now?
K: Yes, totally, it's like a mirror is put in front of my face. Especially with the wording that you used, it forces you to look at it, it is quite painful seeing it like that. ( she said, with her beautiful brown eyes welling up ).
S: The amount of pain you carry becomes the amount of light you experience when the pain is transmuted. That way, proportionality is kept. So, you will be that much free. You can notice that the first wording that i changed is the "smile" , i wrote " fake smile", first of all it is " a role" people like to play, an image they want project, stop acting and be real; but even more importantly than that it is the word into parenthesis : resistance. What you do not know is , what you resist , persist. So, as weird and as almost counter intuitive as it sound the best thing to do when depressed is not to try to cheer yourself up or "act happy", but feel the sadness, the depression even more, going in it, not fighting it internally and simply questioning your mind, that's how you break the cycle.
S: Okay, anyway, let's look at your first belief again you are sad, depressed, lonely because you are popular, Is it true?
K: I don't know anymore...( she says looking perplexed )
S: So, the answer to that is No. And you can see that being popular just Is what it Is , it is that cycle that is exhausting, depressing, saddening. How would you react if you did not believe in all that?
K: Wow, ( she sighs, in relief) , i would enjoy myself so much, would be so happy, so at ease, would literally be able to smell the roses.
S: Okay, save that, remember that feeling that our little goal, by the end of this conversation we will see if you feel like that.
( she smiles, in sign of hope. )
S: Okay, you want people to really know you to truly see you Is it true?
K: Yes, i do.
S: Let me rephrase, that, People do not really know you, they do not truly see you. Is it true?.
K: Yes, it is.
S: Can you absolutely know that?
K: No, I mean i can not, but i feel like that don't really know me, they don't see how much potential i have how much i have to offer.
S: Okay, but do they see what you have done, NOW, what you have to offer NOW ?
K: Yes, but it is not all me.
S: Okay, so if i hear what you are saying, you want them to see what is NOT instead of what IS.
K: what?, I don't get it.., i am confused. ( she is frowning...)
S: well, you say they know you NOW, see you NOW, know what you have already offered up to NOW, but you want them to know, see what can be, but hasn't happened yet, know your potential, know the future.....or to be more accurate your or one of many potential futures. So, basically what IS NOT instead of what IS.
K: Okay, Now that you say it like that, it sounds totally insane ( she laughs...for the first time since the beginning of this inquiry ..).
S: So, how do you react when you believe that they don't know you , they don't see you?
K:I hate them, I'm angry at them, i give them the cold shoulder, i internally scream why can't you see me? why won't you look at me? , why won't you know me?.
S: So, basically you stop seeing them. You become your thoughts, your enemy and their enemy.
K: yes, exactly ( she smiles ).
S: How would you be if you didn't believe those thoughts?
K: I would see them, and believe that they see me.
S: And last thing, the most important of all.
K: um... I know ,,(she said ...all exited), I would see myself..
S: Exactly, and in fact that's truly what you have been talking about all along without fully knowing it. Because, who else can Your potential?, who else can see what YOU have to offer?, who else can truly know YOU?......only YOU can do that. That's why it sounded insane to say << i want them to see my potential , to see what IS NOT>> . Only You can see that, all those potential future selves, only YOU know them, we do not. So , say it.
K: I want me to see my potential, I want me to know myself, I want me to truly see me. ( she said proudly).
S: Now, it makes sense.
S: And to go one step further, you see the things you would say to yourself when you believed that they did not see you; why can't you see me? , why won't you look at me? , why won't you know me? .....there again you are talking about Yourself , nobody else, not really " them". And you were lonely, because nobody was there ; "here" in YOU, now YOU are back, here.
K: [.....] ( she is speechless, a sense of amazement can be seen in her eyes...).
K: I can't believe that i have believed that my friends were the problem all this time, i feel like an idiot.
S: Don't beat yourself up about it, do you yell at the kid when he breaks something? , not really , he doesn't know any better, you don't stay mad at him. Cut yourself some slack.
S: Okay, next, you need them to try to know you, to love you . Is it true?
K: No, I can already see the turn around here, i need to love myself, to try to know myself.
S: And on that token, people usually have those kind of thoughts when they are not truly being themselves, or doing what they love....etc...
S: What is it that you are denying to Yourself?
K: I like being popular and all, I'm exhausted to have to go to all those stupid parties, to have to shop all the time, to never have an intelligent conversation with my friends, to only talk about parties, clothes and stupid boys. I want to talk about art from time to time, I want to have simple easy conversation with a laid back guy for a change, not an arrogant prick, I want to be able to go out without make up, or new clothes, i just want to relax...to be....to breathe.
S: Well, do that.
K: But i can't because if i do that, i am afraid that i will lose my friends.
S: Okay, let's question that. If you become more YOU , you will lose your friends? Is it true?
K: I don't know...but it probably is.
S: Okay , how do you react when you believe that you will lose your friends?...what do you see ( picture)?
K: I see myself , alone , isolated.....depressed , lonely.
S: And i would you see yourself if you didn't believe that ?
K: At peace, being myself.
S: Great. The thing is you might or might not lose none, some or all of your friends. I don't know, but what you don't get is that if you lose some , you will actually want to lose them.
Part of making friends is having something in common. So, the ones who have the same interest as you will continue to be great friends , while other will simply slowly fade away.
It is not that they are "bad friends" or you were never friends, not at all, you simply enjoy different things and grow apart. You might not know it yet, but after high school you probably won't be able to stay friends with all the friends you have now., again not because you don't care, but simply your lives will take different paths the common trunk will be gone. You will lose some friends, or simply not be as connected anymore but you will make new ones or connect with new people. you can not "not be Yourself" because for fear of loneliness, or lost, anyway the only constant in the universe is Change. So, there is no way out of it, so why wasting time not being Yourself since Life is going to happen anyway.
K: I guess, so ....thank you.....thank you so much.
S: You are welcome...
Peace and Love and Thank you for the support.
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